Recently appearing on the Dick Show Episode 250, I described to Dick that I felt “like a person" for the first time after the last couple months of my gender transition.
I say this because I don't think anything has changed to 'make me a woman’—I was a woman all along and simply failing to acknowledge it, in the same way that many AFAB women do out of depression and self-hatred, or even just disinterest in performing to the expectations of femininity. I just had a better and more literal beard than most.
It's difficult to describe in words the difference between ‘being yourself’ and ‘concealing’ it, when ultimately whatever one does springs from within who they are; but basically I'd spent a long time thinking about how I could, would, or should be different from myself in certain ways, and just never had a complete enough mental picture of the kinds of changes I'd have to make to be more like that.
Many people seemingly believed I was acting with a lot more intent than I was in my rejection of personhood; but this was never a case of me learning the rules and deciding to break them--it was that I never learned the rules because I didn't fit in, and then I refused to learn them because I rejected a society which didn't seem willing to take me in on any level.
When I started to become an internet personality, I had to build a person to be out of my impression of what was possible for me, which was very limited. I didn't involve myself with many things or people because I couldn't imagine how the person I knew how to be might meaningfully connect with someone, when it is so far from the reality of my emotional intentions--and I didn't even truly understand those, either. I just had nothing to go on--no real concept of what kind of relationships I wanted to have with people or things I wanted to be doing with myself.
In trying to find the kinds of people I can get along with, I found reflections of myself that enriched my grasp thereof. Only when I realized who shares my palette of emotions and intentions did I start to learn how to portray myself and reflect my intent in my actions—and even still it is in process. Most people have had a lot more practice at being themselves by the time they’re 29, but I've hardly even had chances yet to be myself in different scenarios; and there's a lot of eyes on my evolution, considering that as an internet celebrity, there is a huge cultural memory of the person I used to be which will likely haunt me forever.
But this is why I've been so dedicated to travelling and meeting people--I am literally introducing myself for the first time. As far as my feelings, it seems like I was in a chrysalis from last April to this January, and only this year has B the Golden Witch existed as a human being on Earth. Who she is exactly will be for all of us to discover in real time together!